Tips For Making The World A Better Place - Part Dos

--Take care of your health; it’s the most important thing you can have. It is very important that you die healthy. Keeps those know-it-all scientists baffled.

--In order to lead a healthier life, it is very crucial that you discharge at least 2 liters of pee per day; preferably through the designated orifice…

--Instead of spending millions on training astronauts and millions on managing prisons, send the prisoners to space. Give them 2 options: either they consent and do us all some good or they die there because you are going to shoot them upwards in any case.
But what do we do with the empty prisons you ask? Easy, lock the homeless people which now include ex-astronauts there and just leave them unattended because frankly you did not really care about them before and why should you start now? At least they have a roof over their heads now and your streets are cleaner.

--In order to reduce grief and suffering, when you murder someone, murder all their loved ones as well. If your conscience tortures you, you can always put a bullet in your forehead…

--If you got crabs, cook and eat them; just don’t give them to anyone!

--Men, never ever under any circumstance wear pants with a zipper and go commando. This also applies to women with oversized clitorises…

--Instead of fighting to end sexual harassment, educate people to sexually harass in moderation; this keeps everybody happy…

--Don’t hate the gays; love the gays. By cancelling each other out, they’re doing you more good than you can imagine. Too vague? Allow me to explain: if you have 3 men and 3 women and 2 of these men are gay this leaves the remaining man with 3 women. It's like gays do not even exist! Less competition!!
And if the idea of gay sex still repulses you, just don’t imagine a smooth-chested guy down on all four while another hairy guy lubes his asshole and inserts his fully erect penis inside him. And do not by any means imagine them spooning afterwards…

As for lesbians, well, who am I kidding, everybody loves a lesbian...or two!




You've done all this and feel that you could give more? Well here are more ways!  

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Tips For Making The World A Better Place - Part Uno

--Instead of focusing on the differences between you and other people, focus on the similarities; killing similar people can be fun too!

--In order to end obesity, stop making XL-sized clothes. I admit, this is going to be a long procedure, your eyes might have to suffer (more) throughout it, and there is the slight chance that they, by they I mean the fatsos, might actually like the freedom it brings and let themselves go even more. But no worries, come first snow, lock all these free spirits out; that should take care of the problem for you…

--Don’t just ban abortion; ban masturbation and menstrual cycles altogether. There should be no child, or the potential of one, flushed down the toilet!

--God lives in heaven, Jesus does too; all the paintings clearly suggest it so save yourselves the trouble and stop looking elsewhere.

As for Muslims, you really should think about letting someone paint your prophet’s portrait (I won’t mention his name because I have a problem with the “pbuh” thingy and I know how anal you can get about it); this way you can know where he lives too!

--Whenever you see someone walking on the road or too close to it, go out of your way in order to run them over. If they don’t die the first time, you can always put your gear on Reverse and go finish the job, but I know most of you do not have the time for this.

--In order to reduce the overall global ugliness, have the men wear the burkas instead of the women; except for really ugly women, like the ones who can be mistaken for men.

--When you park in those parking lots where you push a button at the entrance and a ticket comes out and then you have to pay at the end and insert the ticket in the machine so you can exit, don’t leave that ticket in the car, but keep it with you. This way your car won’t be stolen because, let’s face it, that car is not exiting that parking without that ticket...




Feeling too philanthropic? Continue reading the second bit

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Expressions That Should Be Out - Part II

Not that they're directly related, but if you missed the first part, you can check it out here. 

As for the others, here are the additions to the list: 

Complete idiot: Oh yeah? As opposed to what, an incomplete idiot? A half-idiot? How does that work exactly? You tilt your head to the right, you're an idiot, you tilt it to the left you're a Nobel Prize Winner?

Most original: This crap has been brought to this world by the gems of the breathtaking advertising world. “The most original people deserve the most original product.” They never run out of bullshit, do they? I keep thinking someday they will, but they don’t; and mainly because people love to be bullshitted. I don't care if you think that the meaning of the word has changed, I was not invited to any meetings nor have I approved any amendments. Original means origin which in turn means the first of its kind in existence. It’s superlative by nature and adding a superlative modifier to it creates a redundancy. How can you be more than the first? Do you know what comes before number one? Nothing! You’re Zero!

Oh My God: Or its acronym OMG which has been added to the English dictionary lately. For starters, if God exists, chances are he is not yours; you are his because he created you. I say he because it has been historically proven that God is a man and if the bible is not accurate historic evidence then I don’t know what is. Secondly, quit your whining and bitching and stop calling out his name whenever something happens. If he immigrated to another solar system, he did it for a reason; that reason is YOU!

Putting out: This expression is used for a girl who is sexually active and usually “easy” (an easy girl has the sex drive of a guy so the next time you meet a guy you can call him an “easy girl”). They say she puts out and they get usually excited about it. But I don’t know what’s all the excitement about, shouldn’t she be putting in? A penis goes in the vagina or whichever orifice of preference. That’s what they taught me in sexual education class (porn). So the idea of a girl putting a penis out of her vagina repels me…unless I’m not wearing a condom and she puts it out just in time to prevent a catastrophe.

Convenience store: I have been to hundreds of these stores in my life and I am yet to find one single convenience. No one has ever sold me convenience. Do you know how that makes me feel? Very inconvenienced! So if anything, they should really be called inconvenience stores.

Deceased: When a person dies, they say he/she deceased. Why? To cease means to stop so to decease means to stop stopping. And if there is one thing I know it’s that when one dies, one stops continuing. So deceased should really mean born. “Hey Marge, congratulations on your newly-deceased baby!” 

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Expressions That Should Be Out - Part I

Since the first uttered word ever, humans have been bragging about how they are the only species that can speak and instantly declared themselves masters of this world. They didn’t do it before because they couldn’t pronounce it and we all know that if you want to claim the title you need to pronounce it.

But too many people abuse language, they abuse words; they combine them illogically to form irrational expressions that they think are philosophically complicated and will make them sound important. Everybody wants to sound important…and smart! There’s no room for idiots anymore.

I am here examining you and let me tell you something, you are idiots! Not you reading this right now, you’re cool and aware of my existence thus enlightened…

Here’s a list of some of these expressions that I want removed from the English language this instant!

This isn’t my day: Well, whose day is it exactly and when is your day anyways? I don’t recall ever hearing about people owning days. The best one could do is own a calendar or have a day attributed to their memory, but that usually happens after death. And no ladies, your wedding day is not your day, I know you like to think of it that way, but the odds are you are sharing it with thousands of people who are getting married on the same day. Sorry to burst your bubble…

Self-taught: You hear people saying “I’m a self-taught pianist” or “I taught myself how to speak (insert language)” etc… Look, you cannot teach yourself anything, OK? In order for one to teach, one should already know. I know this is not always the case with teachers, heck nowadays it is rarely the case, but this is the general rule. You know, you teach. Period. So how did you teach yourself? Did you already know it? If you did, then why did you need to learn it again? What are you a moron?

Middle East/Midwest: This is just nice! You don’t know where you fall on the map exactly so you decided to take everything, didn’t you? Where the hell are you, in the middle? In the East? In the West? Make up your damn minds! No wonder people who live in those areas are so fucked up…

Like taking candy from a baby: People say this about something when they want to show how easy it is. First of all, why would a baby be holding candy? Babies don’t have teeth to chew on anything and they would choke to death if they sucked on a candy. Second of all, who would want to do this to a baby? Stealing candy from babies, you should be ashamed! I hope the next time you do it the baby ejects some vomit in your face.

With a twist: I didn’t mind this when it was used only for vodka and it signaled a twist of lemon, but everyone started using it to describe themselves or their campaign or product or service. Do you know what Lemon can do if it hits someone in the eye? Or worse, if someone had a wound and lemon came in contact with it? Twists are bad. Ever heard of a twist in the ankle? How about a twist in the wrist? This is horrible; it’s a twist that rhymes! Lose the twist…

Grilled to perfection: You see this now on menus everywhere. If all the restaurants are grilling to perfection then what’s the difference between them? Why not just open the same restaurant everywhere? Besides, who are you to say if something is perfect? That’s pretty arrogant of you, isn’t it? Leave that to me, I decide these things. Why else then would you ask me how I would like my meat?




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Who's To Say What's Best

You preach about loving

About truth, about life

Then you go on offending

Get offended, scream, and jive

You know it’s all this hypocrisy

That has pushed me away from you

You ask if I’m better, I don’t compare

But we both know that it’s true

Let me tell you one thing

If belittling me is what you seek

I’m not the one publishing books

About turning the other cheek

You say it’s human nature

Human?! 
That’s not what you claimed back then

But I guess if I were a chicken

You’d probably turn into a hen

Is it too much for me to ask

For a little truthfulness?

It is too much for you of a task?

Makes you reconsider this omnipotence… 

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More Questions That Keep Me From Sleeping

--If a penguin had dreams other than working as a waiter in a fine dining restaurant, would its family understand and let it pursue them?

 

--If a chameleon was color-blind, how would it know if it was changing to the color that suits the right mood?

--If a girl named Batoul (Arabic for Virgin or Pure) had sex, would her name change? What would it become if it did? Is that what a conditional name is? Like Said (Happy) or Jamil (Pretty)?

--If a homeless person had a Facebook or Twitter account or whatever online social network, what would his/her homepage be called?

--If a tree fell in the forest and there was no one around to hear it but a guy and that tree happened to fall on his head and killed him instantly, would that tree make a sound?

--If I had a certain supermarket’s fidelity card and I shopped at another supermarket, would I be cheating? Would they give me an infidelity card the next time I visit them?

--If I told someone “I knew you were ahead of your time!”, would I be ahead of their time?

--If there was a glass that had some HIV positive blood in it, how would an optimist see that glass? Half full or half empty?  

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It Always Is...

I’m sure that all people, except for those that are the subject of this study and those too ignorant to care, have at some point sought to find the answer to one or two or all of the following questions: 

--Why were black men enslaved by the whites and treated (still are) so badly and why are Asians such hard workers? 

--Why did man invent bullets and missiles that enable him to declare war and invade other countries and what was the reason behind their design in such way? 

--Why did man work so hard to penetrate and dominate space with rocket ships?

--Why did man choose the method of drilling Mother Earth and ravaging it to get it to spray oil all over?

--Why did man domesticate, tame, and hasten the extinction of the most virile animals? 

--Why did man invent and buy fast and expensive sports cars, loud motorcycles, and huge trucks?

--Why do countries participate in the everlasting competition of erecting the highest tower ever?

--Why are most men loud, obnoxious, and pissed off all of the time and why is it, when they are in night clubs and discos they flaunt and compete in opening the highest number of expensive champagne bottles? 

The answer to all these questions and many more regarding the erratic behavior of this gender is one. In fact it is one word: 

Size...

Men are insecure about the size of their penises and they cannot stop thinking about it night and day so they seek to divert the attention away from the actual organ and try to symbolize the enormity of its size with whatever they can lay their hands on. Have you ever seen or heard white rappers and white blues musicians? I mean, JEEZ!!! 

But you know, I blame the women… They have known and abused this tiny piece of information since the dawn of time. They have used it to manipulate men and it has reached a point where it got out of their hands… Most women have become dissatisfied most of the time and gone seeking pleasure in the materialistic world.

So ladies, I come to you with a favor to ask.

Can you please lower your standards…again? I implore you to take a moment to think about the fate of this planet. I know that in some rare cases, size does matter, but can you please not mention it? Take care of your men; pencil dicks get offended very easily… And, if you really care about world peace as much as you claim you do in beauty pageants, do not ever; under any circumstance ask that 6-letter question that could ruin a man forever: 

Is it in?

 

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Sporadic Shorts

--If you need to show that you’re independent then you really aren’t.

--Cab drivers are the enemies of walking.

--An ambulance risks the lives of hundreds to save one.

--Environmentalists die everyday.

--If an angry woman enters a room full of loud and noisy men, they will immediately go quiet and possibly leave with their tails between their legs.

--If an angry man enters a room full of loud and noisy women, they will immediately start laughing their asses off and possibly eat him up alive if he maintains that attitude.

--Humans, and most probably ants, are the only species that suffer from traffic jams.

--You can never forget to sleep.

--If you keep bragging about how extremely unique you are then squeal from joy when you meet someone who shares a similar interest then you really aren’t that unique. 

--Atheists and firm believers are equally absurd. They both are sure of something no one alive can ever be sure of.

--Every scientific article about the conclusion of any study or discovery has the words “might” or “may” or “maybe”. These people are getting paid to add to the general confusion. 

--Once a brother, always a brother. 

--A surgeon is really nothing more than an overpaid plumber.

--Vegetarians originally wanted to come to this world as sheep, but life screwed them over.

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Questions That Keep Me From Sleeping

--If I say to a hermaphrodite “Go screw yourself”, is it considered an insult?

--If I was having a conversation with a blind person and that person understood my point of view, can he/she say “I see”? And if he/she can and did, would that be considered a lie? 

--If I equally rejected and did not believe in neither God nor the Devil, which of them would claim my soul if that thing existed? Would it still exist? Would I have found the secret to eternal earthly existence?  

--If, instead of being crucified, Jesus was decapitated and had his body cut to pieces and each piece was burnt separately, what would the sign of Christianity be? Would the faithful chop off their heads and throw out bursting limbs each time they pray? Would they wear “decapitixes” around their necks? 

--If the thought of an impure act is still counted as a sin, would the thought of a pure one be counted as an act of kindness?

--If I made a cutting joke (or a thousand) about Islam, how long would it take for me to get killed? 

--If someone was allergic to allergy medication, what would be the cure? 

--If you had a baby born in a soundproof room that has nothing but a piano in it and left that baby there to grow up all alone (food of course will be provided but with no human contact nor noise whatsoever) will that baby become a musician?

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Pointers On Handling Man's Best Friend

1-      Naming it is mandatory.

2-      Play with it as often as possible.

3-      Never underestimate or overestimate its capabilities based on its size.

4-      Avoid exposing it to cold temperatures, unless it’s a husky one.

5-      Avoid leaving it in water for extended periods of time; it will tend to look smaller than it really is.

6-      Drool on it, it may drool on you.

7-      Not picking up what it drops and throwing it away might give birth to a sticky situation. Expect a lot of shit on the road.

8-      The tip of its front is the most sensitive part in its body. 

9-      Never, ever, under any circumstance, show your teeth when it’s near!

10-  When there’s a bone, it’s usually excited. Licking the bone makes it even more excited.

11-  Unless trained otherwise, it will get extremely agitated at the sight of a pussy and will do what it takes to get to it. 

12-  Always go to where it points.

13-  It likes humping so…let it hump! 

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Life Is Suicidal

The other day I was having a conversation with one of my personalities and she told me she feels that life has taken its toll on her; it’s not giving her any room to breathe; she feels she’s suffocating. There’s no air getting through.
So I started thinking about how can life do this; why does it try to suffocate us sometimes? How can life subsist without air? If we don’t breathe, life does not exist, it would cease to be…Then it all hit me!

Life is suicidal!!!

If you really think about it, if you keep a close eye on things, you’d notice that life is trying to take its own life. Life has been trying to die since the dawn of time. Most of the species that once existed do not anymore. Earth has been under constant threat from every possible harmful system of destruction. Whether it was objects from outer space hitting it or itself trying to destruct itself. Self Destruction!! Volcanoes, earthquakes, tsunamis, tornadoes, twisters, hurricanes, you name it.

Life is trying to take its own life.

This is why we’ve been created; this is why we have come to exist; to end all life. We’ve been made to pollute, contaminate, poison, defile, corrupt, and wipe out every living form of life on this planet; including ourselves. And get this; we did not settle with just this one, but we also began to seek other life forms on other planets in other galaxies…you know, just to communicate with them, get a glimpse of how they live so we can one day be able to annihilate them.

The messed up part in all of this though is the fact that we fight for our own individual survival.
We’re confused about our purpose in life; about why we’re here. We have this hidden notion that somehow we are immortal; that we’re going to live forever. For when it comes to our personal demise; we refuse to go away peacefully. No!! We immediately put out a fight in order to keep living.

This is why we have built homes, sown clothes, moved from one place to another, procreated, discovered medicine, mathematics, physics, chemistry, invented religion, philosophy, machines, guns, computers, the list goes on and on… We’re a life loving breed, well our own at least.
We fight death till the last breath, which, by the way, when it comes, induces death itself…

What are we doing? Trying to screw life? Well I’ve got news for you, life has been here longer than us all and no matter how we try, it will always find a way to screw us.

People, the sooner you accept this, the better off you will be, and the quicker you can go back to doing your initial job of trying to end life, trying to aid it commit suicide.

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I'd Like Them Rare Please

Ah Summer is almost here, it’s just around the corner. “How can you tell?” you ask. Well aside from the extreme heat and the scorching sun, everybody seems to be out and about running along in the sun taking care of business, surviving, pushing each other in the bushes, you know the usual stuff. 

By the way, have you ever seen a documentary about animals during winter in the forest? Have you noticed that as soon as the rain clears up and the sunrays burst through the leaves of the trees, the forest immediately becomes busy with all sorts of creatures? Yeah… 

But I digress; this is not the point here. That’s not what Summer’s about; it is about THE BEACH!!! Millions of people rushing to the place where sand meets water and lying around half-naked (or fully naked in some places) engaging in sun worship; an activity referred to in the modern days as “tanning.”

Which finally brings me to my point. Have you ever taken a close look at tanning and what it really is? Have you ever compared it to…say…cooking? Auto-cooking to be more specific? Because it really is nothing more than that.

“Honey, I’m going to the beach to cook myself now”
“OK babe, love you.” 

Below you will find a list of different tanning techniques; pick the one that suits you best:

Boiling: Go sit in simmering salted water until meat is tight and firm. Make sure to stir often so you get cooked evenly.

Grilling: Lie down on the tanning bed, which incidentally is designed like a grill, until desired doneness is reached. Make sure to flip over regularly so the meat is evenly cooked.

Frying: Apply oil or fat all over the body and leave in the heat. Same as grilling, make sure to flip over regularly until desired browning is reached.

Hot Sand Frying: If you like to roll in the sand, this technique is for you, it is fairly simple. Just make sure you immerse yourself in the sand fully with nothing remaining outside but your nose so as to ensure even oxygen distribution. You can even have someone make sand boobs or sand penis for you just for kicks. 

Broasting: Just like hot sand frying, but it requires that you apply oil or fat on the skin before covering it with sand. 

Baking: Make sure the sand all around you is extremely hot; hot to the point that it can cause 1^st degree burns, then sit on top of it, move the parasol over your body so the heat is trapped between it and the sand. No need for flipping over. 

Microwaving: Lift your superficial ass and take it to the nearest of the many tanning salons all over this planet, read instructions on the solarium, or don’t, and stuff yourself inside until nothing’s white about you except your teeth and eyeballs. Exposing yourself to radiation for an extended period of time may cause skin cancer. Peeling the skin is optional.

Now, how would you like your humans, sir?

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Guest Life as We Love It...Or Hate It

Guest Post by Fadi Bitar 

- Don't you hate it how the only way you'll get your girlfriend to give you an honest opinion about another girl, is only AFTER you've specifically told your girlfriend that she is waaaay hotter than that other girl you're asking about?

- Men, don't you love it when a woman calls you.. "modern" ? A modern man is one that can cook, clean, dress himself, and is also possibly in touch with his feminine side. A modern man is also a man: He can light up a BBQ, take care of the house, and have enough testosterone to go around. By that same logic, modern women should know how to change the oil on a car, rewire the house's electricity and handle power tools, and make a good lasagna in time for dinner (when it's their turn to cook). And yet, they don't. Most of them don't even know their way around the kitchen or the garage.  It's a good thing we have malls really..

- Men (again), don't you love it how when a relationship starts becoming serious, you get so excited when you see your girl for the first time in sweat pants, her hair in a ponytail and wearing no makeup whatsoever ? It feels like you're seeing her like nobody else has the privilege to, and it feels good for some strange reason. A few more months into the relationship she gets more comfortable around you and you start seeing more of her comfy side, up to the point where "foreplay" becomes braiding the hair on her legs, and all you can think of is "Can we please keep SOME mystery in this relationship ?!"

- And finally, don't you love the word "Selfish" ? Nobody tells you this, but it's actually a compliment. I read it like this: Self-ish ! You're not selfless mother Teresa, but you're not full of yourself (that would be.. self-ful ?) either. You're Self-ish, and therefore your amount of concern with yourself is.. just right.
 

 Make sure you delve furthermore into Fadi's mind.

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Life as We Love It...or Hate It - Part IV

--Don’t you hate it how if I asked you right now “which hand do you use to turn the key when you open the door at home?” you wouldn’t be able to answer me without trying it? Automatic behavior! 

--Don’t you love it how when you see a fatal car accident while driving you immediately slow down, say to yourself “I shouldn’t drive fast or I’ll end up like that” then after a minute or so you find yourself speeding towards the sunset once more?

--Don’t you hate it how you find yourself sometimes repeatedly refreshing your Facebook or Twitter homepage or clicking on Profile and then on Home again and again in the hope that some new info would pop up? How pathetic is this? Get a life! Go read a book or something; whatever, just do something that develops you and helps you become slightly better. Take a nap for all I care but close this damn window!

--Don’t you love it how nobody knows what the hell they’re doing or what life is all about and yet we all keep giving out advice left and right (just like I did in the paragraph right before this one)? Could this be the reason why we’re so lost? We keep listening to whoever has anything to say? I mean life is not really that complicated, do we really need a guidebook for every step we make? You wake up, take a crap, eat, go spend your day doing something useless in order to earn a few colored papers that enable you to buy stuff you don’t need but let you bullshit your way around people so you appear important, superior, and more evolved, take another crap, eat again, get laid if you’re lucky and then go to bed in order to start that same shit all over again the next day...unless that rare thing called death occurred… That, ladies and gentlemen, needs no instructions whatsoever! So enjoy your futility while you can, others are waiting in line...  

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Life as We Love It...or Hate It - Part III

--Don’t you love it how when in advertising you see or hear “etc.”; “among others”; “and many more” you immediately know that this is all bullshit and there is nothing more?

--Don’t you hate it how you never realized how much tongue usage there is in pronouncing the letter N until now? You do, admit it!          OK OK stop trying it now and keep reading!  

--Don’t you love it how humans love and praise other humans only when they die? Of course! When one dies he/she can no longer compete with the living so he/she becomes loved. Could it be that they feel some sort of compassion stemming from a hidden pride? “We killed the poor guy, he was an excellent fellow but you know we always were stronger than him it was bound to happen one day…”

--Don’t you hate it how when someone wants something from you or they want to deliver good news they call you on the phone, or come visit you or take you out, but whenever there is bad news or the answer is no they send it by sms or email? Why is that? One needs human support during negative times and not positive ones. If you take someone out to lunch to tell them that you are going to fulfill their lifelong dream of buying a new ironing board they would be ecstatic of course, but this would qualify as excessive positivity. Unneeded! Whereas if you go visit some friend with a cheesecake to tell him/her that his/her father died, he/she would say: “OK this is a crappy situation, but hey at least my taste buds are thrilled!”

--Don’t you love the highly elevated level of creativity in the Arab world? Consider the following: they couldn’t even find 12 names for the 12 months so they repeated 2 of them but with a wonderful twist: they added a number!!! You know… I’m not even going to comment on this…

 

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Life as We Love It...or Hate It - Part II

--Don’t you love it how the saying “I hit two birds with one stone” is still highly in use? Why? Who still throws stones at birds? Palestinians, the most talented stone throwers in the world, don’t even do it. How did this saying survive anyways? I think only cavemen used this hunting technique and they didn’t even speak or write. So how did the message get through to us? Was it painted on some cave wall? Was it telepathically handed down through the ages? We should seriously revise our everyday language.

--Don’t you hate it how when it’s raining heavily and you have taken every precaution available to keep yourself from getting wet with the thick clothes, the umbrella, the walking under perched balconies, a drop of cold water suddenly comes splashing in your hair? I would rather soak to death and not have that happen. How in hell did it get past this highly advanced fortress of security?

--Don’t you love it how you cannot have a civil marriage in Lebanon but you can still legally register the one you had outside? What does this say about this country? Uncivil is too soft of a word so I won’t use it. Fucked up is overused. I need a different vocabulary or a different way to view this issue…hmmm…What if…no…oh wait…no that’s not right either… I got it! Our country is a victim of a big international conspiracy devised by Cyprus so they can keep profiting from hundreds of Lebanese couples going there to get wed and there’s nothing we can do about it. There you go. Ahhh denial, I rest myself in your sweet loving arms.

--Don’t you hate men colored shirts that have white necks and tips of sleeves? You never see a white shirt with colored necks and sleeves, do you? NO! And you know why? Because it would look hideous. People wearing shirts of that sort should be banned from society and those designing them should be crucified. Maybe on a wooden cross with the edges painted in white.  

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Life as We Love It...or Hate It - Part I

--Don’t you love it when someone (or you) speaks about his body as if it was something with a mind and a life of its own? “My body’s getting tired”; “I know my body”; “my body’s trying to tell me this or that”, etc.

OK I’m going to say this once, you are your body and your body is you, you are not something outside of it, you are not just a brain which in turn is, guess what, a part of your body! You are one entity deal with it. It’s you who’s getting tired, you know yourself, and you’re the one trying to tell yourself something. And no this does not qualify as an early stage of split personality. Even if you talk to yourself, you are still sane. It’s yourself talking back to you what you should be worried about.

--Don’t you hate it how girls can now go back to being virgins with only a few bucks? They can just buy a legally distributed artificial hymen and POOF everything is the way it was as if nothing happened. Or so the sales pitch claims.

I don’t like this one bit, and not from a moral point of view as in this is religiously and socially hypocritical; we are all aware of the level of hypocrisy that exists in this region. No, this time I’m jealous; I want an invention like this for guys. We have rights too you know! It’s true that nothing physical happens for us in this sacred split second of deflowering, but something has to change! I should go speak to god about this, if I can find it, and then we’ll see what’s what.

--Don’t you love it how hearing a couple of dirty jokes can harm the children? Sure, developing a sense of humor can severely injure a child’s mind whereas brainwashing this child into worshipping the fat ass of a certain politician and taking him/her to every single protest will make a very fine, well adjusted human being out of him/her.

--Don’t you hate it how whenever you wear shoes that have some sort of design in their sole every pebble in the world seems to fit perfectly in those curves? Does this happen to someone other than me or am I cursed? Whenever I go out walking and come home my shoes transform into tap dancing shoes. It’s like they’re pebble magnets. Yet, whenever I want to throw a pebble at someone, sometimes as a reaction, sometimes for fun, I can never find one. Maybe I should save the pebbles my shoes collect…

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Lebanon Wins At The Science Fair

Ibrahim Halawa, Little Stain Science Staff Writer

Congratulations Lebanon!!!

It has been declared today that this tiny country will be receiving the Milky Way Award for Outstanding Biological Evolution!

This long overdue achievement has been finally recognized after eons of research! The ceremony will take place on Pluto this 31st of June.

For those of you who never heard of this award before, let me explain: it is given once every 0.5 billion years to any environment that outdoes nature and produces a new extraordinary organism.

A huge controversy exists of course over whether or not Earth has the right to participate in this competition because Earth was created in 6 days and did not undergo the natural billion-year evolution of your everyday planet and was by itself the success for which God won this award 4.5 billion years ago.

Nevertheless, Lebanon won this time!

Accomplishment:

It is the first terrain ever to be able to create a self-cannibalistic parasitic host. This living thing, dubbed Libanisus Hypocritus, hosts with open arms creatures of other species and/or the same species but lives off of them at the same time. It drains all the blood and energy out of them and if they ever were gifted enough to see past all the cunning and realized it, they would be able to take no more and either flee, go insane or commit suicide.

A study also showed that killing either the male or female forms was ineffective at stopping the spread of the parasite.

This genus is not to be confused with carnivorous plants because plants are not parasites whereas humans are.

Once again, congratulations Lebanon, you did it! WOOP TI DOO!

It is still undecided, of course, who will be attending this event in order to deny such allegations about the Lebanese people. All the sect leaders (the real ones and the ones who claim to be) will be meeting soon in order to choose a date for meeting to decide on this issue.

On a Social Note:

On the light of this announcement, hundreds of non-governmental organizations involved in spending resources and time on studying how such a society can be so welcoming and righteous yet so insulting and immoral at the same time have immediately ceased all operation pertaining to bettering the social situation on the Lebanese soil and found new hobbies.

P.S: The creator of God is still to be located in order to be handed its award.

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Creative Slaughter - The Fat Lady Has Sung

If you don't know by now, murder is a hobby of mine.

Now it might seem that I'm going around killing people randomly, but there is a detailed plan; my aim is to rid the world of all evil.

To my regular readers who have gone blood thirsty over the past couple of weeks, check below:

--People who stick their noses in other people’s business and keep asking stupid questions like “who’s this?” “who’s that?” “what are you up to these days?” “why are you so thin?” “why are you so fat?” bla bla bla…
This kind of parasite deserves a special treatment. I shall hang them upside down by tying their legs with a rope attached to the ceiling. This way the blood will rush to their heads. Then I will remove their fingernails and stick them in their eyes, ears and noses so that the blood doesn’t get out. You know, like shutters. Once the face starts swelling and turning blue and mauve I then shall proceed to asking them: “what’s happening to you?” “are you feeling well?” “why is your face blue?” “this isn’t good, is it?” etc.

--Silicone-filled ladies with nose jobs. How to kill these delightful dolls? At first I thought maybe I should keep injecting them with silicone till they explode and their organs spatter all over the place, but then I said no that would be too obvious, too conventional. These princesses deserve a slow painful death. I shall make an incision around every silicone-enhanced organ and remove the implant without sealing the wound. As their faces and bodies start to get covered with blood, I shall be a gentleman and wipe it off with the implants to give room for more blood. When the wounds start to heal I shall cut them open slowly again by separating the flesh with my finger. I will do this over and over again till the heart stops beating. This will all take place of course in front of dozens of mirrors where they can see their fake beauty fading away from every angle.

--Self-proclaimed Lebanese comedians who think they are funny by receiving pity laughs due to the fact that there is no one else on stage or real, from the heart laughs from the idiots who don’t know any better. I will take my time and sit with each and every one of these dull, lame, boring dumbasses and tell them what I really think of them and their stolen material. Hopefully they will commit suicide afterwards. If not, I shall tie them to a chair and make them watch videos of them performing live, after of course ripping off their ears with my bare hands so they can’t hear the thing they love to hear the most: themselves talking. Then I shall remove their tongues with sandstone, place them, along with their ears, in a jar filled with water, vinegar, and salt (yep you guessed it we’re gonna pickle them) and after a few months shove them down their respective throats.

--The persons who stress and worry too much about their careers and what they’re going to do with their lives. Now, I admit, in order to kill this specific group, a lot of innocent casualties will be involved, but how are a few million more dead people going to matter?

With those, I will kill everyone and everything that they hold dear; mothers, fathers, brothers, sisters, friends, lovers, fiancés, wives, husbands, sons, daughters, grandmas, grandpas, uncles, aunts, nieces, nephews, cats, dogs, plants, BFF necklaces, anything it takes to make them really understand what matters most in life and that life is fragile, they are mortals, and nothing ever lasts.

By this time, the weaker ones will have committed suicide and if not I will throw them off a bridge; the stronger ones will realize what I mean, get my point and try to gather themselves up and keep moving forward. WRONG! For I shall be waiting with my tank that will roll over them time and time again reducing them into nothing more than a smelly sheet of human paper.

--Everyone who posts a smartass comment. Personalized killing methods available… 

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Creative Slaughter - Medieval Cleansing

For those of you who are new here, I have started the slaughter last week.

As for the others, enjoy this week's list:

--Anyone who works in advertising: supermarket promoters, telemarketers, graphic designers, copywriters, directors, creative directors, sales people, you name it. They shall all be invited to participate in an advertising competition, the thing they love the most. The game is this: they will all be split into groups and all the groups have to pitch in and try to sell ideas and products to the other groups. Of course, we all know that this will get rather difficult because they are all masters of deceit and will immediately uncover each other’s techniques and approaches; however, no one can leave until contracts are signed. The groups that buy any product or idea will have huge billboards inserted up their assholes causing them to bleed incessantly. Eventually one group will be left standing, the winners, the kings, the titans of advertising. This group will win a prime time TV spot ad of them being continually raped by philosophers and idealists till they ultimately die of either too much chafing or too much pleasure. 

--Guys who wear golden man rings with precious stones on their fingers. A new brand of rings with hidden poisonous remote controlled spikes on the inside will be introduced to the market. Getting it out there and selling it will be a bit tricky because there is no one left to promote it but I will get to it. Whenever anyone wears this ring I will be notified. Then I will press a little button which will provoke the poisonous spikes to come out and stick in his fingers turning him and all his body into stiff gold. Of course the eyes will be the precious gems.

--Guys who wear closed shoes without socks. But these individuals will die one day from the smell of their own feet, so that’s done.

--Guys and girls whose sign isn’t Scorpio and have a tattoo of a scorpion. They shall all be given ferocious cats as presents. For those of you who have seen a cat kill a scorpion, you get the picture. For those of you who haven’t; well, let’s just say that there will be claws, a lot of scratching, and barrels of blood.

--Girls with very thin eyebrows, and guys too. Since these people hate hair that much, why not shave their whole heads and bodies? Then they will be obliged to sit naked in the sun for endless hours till they get skin cancer or become lepers. If that didn’t work, I shall put them in a space shuttle and send them directly to the sun. By doing this, uncertainty will be out of the way.

--Guys with very thin sideburns. This one is easy. All I have to do is grab a thin razorblade, follow the sideburn line, cut the face accordingly, and feed it to them. I don’t care if some of them survive, they’re better looking now.

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Creative Slaughter - The Beginning of the End

If you think that I’ve gone soft or mellowed out, well you better think again. I’ve been keeping an eye on things and I came to the realization that some people should have been exterminated by now and since nobody is doing anything about it, I thought I should take matters into my own hands. Here are a few examples:

--Guys who have their t-shirts tucked inside their pants which in turn reach their nipples and their fellas with loose long shirts, you know the ones that reach the knees.

With the first group I shall go to each one individually and pour cement on their shoes so they’ll be stuck to the ground and can’t move. Then I will grab each one’s pants with my bare hands and keep pulling upwards till their testicles come out of their ears and sperm mixed with blood floods out of their noses.

With the second group, I shall force them to duck a little so their shirts can reach the ground and staple them to it. At the same time, one of my other personalities will be out hunting for strong clubs and inserting long nails in them that come out of the other side. This task is very essential for these instruments will be used to bash their skulls.

--Proud BlackBerry owners of the following kinds:
Unemployed or still in university or school.

Holding very low and marginal jobs.

Holding office jobs that do not require them to even leave their seat.

These will be joined all together in a wonderful social networking event and forced to BBM all day and all night till the skin on their fingers decomposes and blood comes rushing out. No one is allowed to stop, they have to type with their finger bones if they had to and the ones who get tired and want to pull out will have to swallow their BlackBerries without the aid of any fluids. At that moment I will start calling them repeatedly till they develop tumors in their stomachs and die on the spot.

--Everyone who rigorously apply hair gel to their hair. In order to get rid of those, I will have to buy all the gel that exists on the planet so they would have to come to me to put it. As I slowly and smoothly grease their hair, I will swiftly feed them goat wool and then pull out a long tube and stick it in their mouths and squeeze all the gel inside. This way the wool becomes fashionably rigid and by now they can’t eat any food because their bellies are full nor can they excrete anything out. Death by bloating…ah sweet life…or death!

--Billionaires and Millionaires who keep working hard and investing in order to increase their wealth. Since these types can never seem to get enough, they will have to be lured inside a big conference hall on the pretence of presenting them with huge investment opportunities. When they’re all inside, the doors will be locked and the roof will open up so that they can be showered with trillions and trillions of money bills which they will think are extra money that will raise their market value even higher. What they don’t know is that this is their own money and it has been lightly coated with a thin invisible layer of petrol. While they’re busy rejoicing in collecting the money, a small flame will be introduced. Talk about a sparkle of hope!

Thirsty for more blood?

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Answer: Unknown - Part III

--Why is it that when any form of liquid comes out of a wall it is leakage, but when it’s from a statue it’s a miracle?

--Why is there a sport like ski jumping? Who saw this potential? Who was this bored and decided that normal skiing is no longer satisfying and felt the need to throw himself (it had to be a guy of course) off a cliff while wearing his skis and most importantly had the required amount of stupidity to keep trying (because we all know that he didn’t land on his feet from the first try) until it worked?

--Why are Syrian street (or highway) vendors so many and on what market study do they base their products? What do I need with a gigantic lighter that doesn’t fit inside my car let alone my pocket? Is it designed specifically to set people who wear cowboy hats on fire before giving them a clean shave?

--Why is nudity illegal? How can the most natural form of being be illegal? What fat pig is in charge of running things? We need to have a word…

--Why are objects in the mirror always closer than they appear? We have enough technology to enable us to understand the inner workings of microscopic beings but we still can’t invent a car mirror that’s accurate on distance?

--Why are Sanita’s Gipsy “Long Lasting Toilet Tissues”? I can understand the emphasis on softness levels so they won’t scratch; thickness levels so they won’t rip and cause “accidents”, but durability? Who cares about them being long lasting? In fact the longer lasting they are the longer lasting the evidence is. I think we would prefer it if they dissolved as soon as we’re through with them, right?

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Answer: Unknown - Part II

--Why do they tell us “You are what you eat?” and then forbid eating humans? What ever happened to consistency? Stick to your word for once! What am I now? A lettuce? A tomato? A cow? A horse (yes I have eaten those and their meat is succulent!)?

--Why is everybody always in a hurry in this country? Everybody’s driving recklessly, insulting all those who stand in the way, wanting their things done immediately. Where are they going so hastily all the time yet achieving nothing on the scale of the planet? Shouldn’t a hardworking population with superior intelligence change the course of how things are run on Earth? Name one indispensible thing that this genius of a country has offered to the world…Can’t do it, can you?

--What is self-esteem and who is this insecure, deranged person that came up with this concept? “Oh man, I don’t know what to do with myself, there’s too much time on my hand and I can do whatever I want. But no, I’m too grumpy and this world is too big and there are too many harmless things, but somehow they scare me… I know! Let’s have a concept that is intangible and can only be attained by going through a series of ineffective, ephemeral, pointless events that can allow me to own a bunch of things that illogically make me feel good about myself. I will need to invent stuff and ideas and religions to make other people scared and feel inferior to me. Sure I can skip all this and feel good about myself now and move on, but that would be too consistent and worthy of a more advanced species.”

--Why is it that when someone is abroad everybody asks them when they are coming and as soon as they arrive they ask them when they are leaving? Make up your mind, do you want them to come or go?

--Why does every neighborhood in this country have one man, usually in his forties, that takes it upon himself to water the street? We all have this type, you see him waiting anxiously for the summer just to run down to the street in his undershirt, carry a hose and start spraying water everywhere and waving happily to the passersby. Fascinating…

--Why do old people always mention the names of the people who were with them during the events of the story they are telling? 

--Why do people feel proud whenever someone compliments their clothes? What achievement have you done during the process of bringing these clothes to the world that made you feel proud? You didn’t design them, did you? No. Sown them? No. Admit it, you only had the money to buy them and you’re just an idiot who seeks attention, too much of it for that matter…

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